just let go.

don’t give up on him, don’t let him go, don’t just turn away from it all without a fight. you’ll regret it. you’ll be the one to break up first, yes, but you’ll also be the one left behind in the end. apparently, you’re not as strong as we’ve always imagined. you’ll get attached, you’ll mess things up, and you’ll be miserable. you’ll be forced to watch as everything falls apart, and you’ll somehow convince yourself that it doesn’t hurt at all.

you’ll cry, oh, you’ll cry so fucking much. there will be times when you can’t even fucking breathe, and all you can do is curl up in a ball and wail. it’ll suck. it’ll fucking hurt. but still, you won’t do a damned thing about it because you’d rather still have him in your life. 

and through all this i guess, you’ll come to realize how pathetic love can make you. you’ll be surprised how far you can bend before you break. it’ll amaze you how much denial plays into this whole thing. it’ll take you a while but then you’ll see that he means more to you then you’d ever imagined. you are so utterly weak. you’re not “different” at all, you’re just another helpless girl.

i’ve never been one to believe that people “need” each other to go on living but damn, i came close. the thought of life without him, it’ll scare the hell out of you. 

do you know have any idea what it feels like to watch someone fall out of love with you? to watch yourself become unimportant? to wait around to be forgotten? 

i don’t know if it was love, but i know it made me happy. i know that when i was with him, i was content. if i had him, it was all i needed. don’t over-complicate things and try to “save” yourself or anything before you even give it a chance. don’t be so stubborn. don’t be such a coward. try, i’m begging you, at least try to make it work. you need to meet him halfway. and i know you’ll say you are but… try harder. or you’ll walk away from it hating yourself and regretting everything. everything you did, and everything else you could have done. 

and never, never, base your happiness on another person. never ever become that dependent on someone, or something, again. it will be the worst thing you can do.

as always, your mind is all over the place. but it always traces back to him.

I remember you - the me 2 years ago. You were so outgoing, loud and confident. You were just the way you were. But then you changed, slowly you became who I am now. The people around unintentionally changed you, from that outgoing, loud and confident girl into this quiet, weird and emotionless girl.

Now I look back, I see how much I’ve changed. I get shocked because I didn’t recognize the me 2 years ago anymore. I wonder if 2 years later, I’ll become another person…

Love,

You, in 2012.

Dear you, oh you’re so young and you have no idea what is going to happen to you. 
You’ve already been through SO so much! I wish this part of our life never happened.
Next month on the 6th of May, your life is going to collapse.
You are going to want to kill yourself for what you have said but you won’t because you know what it’ll do to your family.

Family, you need to let them in. Otherwise you’ll end up like me now. (not able to talk about anything)

You are going to make some choices that will curve your life

• Don’t go into yourself
• Don’t think that the only person you can trust is yourself 
  even though that is totally true, you need to be able to confide in someone

This for me, 3 years older than you will be the GREATEST regret you’ll ever have in your life.

Don’t say you hate him, please phone him and tell your daddy that you love him, cause you do. You really do, you just hate that your parents are apart. There is a difference.

And for God’s sakes, on the 6th of May; DO NOT SAY YOU HATE HIM. Cause a few minutes after you say that, your mother and sister will walk in the door and tell you that your daddy is dead.

Which for me (having experienced it) it nearly killed me and still fucks with my head 3 years later. 

So. You finally found your dream, didn’t you? Well, good news, so far, we’ve kept that dream! 

Oh goodness, here’s something that both of us would find astounding back when I was your age; when you go to highschool, you actually make friends! In real life. omg inorite?

It’s actually pretty cool!

You’re life does get harder, though. You’ll actually have to work on your grades somehow. But don’t fear tests! Sesso and the other teachers lied to you, they’re cake. 

Your best friend gets in some tight situations, though! You just need to remember to always be by her side. Never leave the ones that you wouldn’t want to leave you.

Your ex-bestfriend’s life also, apparently, goes down the drain. She starts sexting some older guy, and you have to deal with the fact that, if you were still her friend, you’d end up taking responsibility. Not that you don’t, now. Augh, you still blame yourself for her life, though.

When you reach highschool, you’ll find it’s going to be harder to attain your dream, and you’ll have to take some classes that are a waste of your time, but it’s alright!

Oh! You also find a dream college! We want to go to IADT in Orlando! Near your best friend, right? Pretty cool, huh? It serves for the exact degree you want, too! Some cons are that it’s pretty freaking expensive. 

It’ll be a while before you can go down there, but remember that time heals, right? I was looking for some music this morning and last night, and I found some lyrics I’d /really/ want to tell you if I ever met you;

Every time you feel alone, Put on your headphones. L-Love is coming through Your headphones. Keep your head up high, Dust off your shoulders. It’s alright, No, it’s not over!

- “Headphones”

It really matches you, doesn’t it? Just remember as you’re looking forward, you’ll have some issues come your way, but it really will be worth it, I promise! 

Sincerely,

Freshman Self.

It’s almost been an entire year since it happened, huh? Since the day you realized how much you loved her, since the day your family tore you apart to bits and pieces, since the day you realized you were nothing, since the day you realized; you were being yourself and everyone hated it.

I wasn’t as much of a potty-mouth back then but you know what? Fuck them! Fuck them all! You’re you and nothing can change that. If your family doesn’t accept you then screw them! They can suck it. I know… right now, I’m not exactly the strongest person and sometimes I don’t believe in what I’m telling you right now… I’m afraid to cry, I’m afraid to talk, I’m afraid of everything but let’s believe that we’ll both make it through this. Because I know we will. We’ll escape this insane asylum of despair and we’ll be with her, we’ll get to hold her every single day and tell her how much we love her.

So don’t give up. No matter how many times you’ve said you’ve given up; don’t. Forget that. You haven’t lost everything; you’ve just lost the will to live. Don’t lose your will to live. How would he feel about this? Do you think the man who gave up so much for you… is smiling down from Heaven, watching his Princess suffer? No. He was the one family member who loved you; who cared. Don’t forget he’s there. Suicide taunts you, I know. Our mother doesn’t help at all, I know that too. Even though she tells you you’re worthless; don’t believe her. You’re not. Remember what you told yourself so many times! “I have a purpose in this world; big or small. Everyone was born with one. We’re sent into this world to complete a task and when it’s completed; we die. I’m going to accomplish something!” We’ve realized our goal was to become something in her life. And we did. But I made a mistake back then; we don’t die then. We still live. So don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t believe in what you want to! Your parents, who do nothing for you, can suck it! You’re you. No one can change that. No one can tell you otherwise.

I know you’re realizing right about now how you’re not what you wanted to become. I know you’re thinking, ‘Wow, remember when I was happy…? When I was a kid… Ah, she wouldn’t be proud of what I’ve become. I’ve ruined her sweet, pure image… I want to die. I want to die before my mom takes me to that mental hospital. I don’t want to go!’ but brush those thoughts away. It doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is now. What matters is YOU.

You’re going to make it. Your younger self shouldn’t be disgusted because she is YOU. You were bound to this fate, this destiny. Forget the past. Toss your worries away. Drop everything and begin anew.

I wish I could just hold you and pour out everything to you. Because I simply just cannot with one simple letter but just remember; you’re friends are not lying to you, they’re there for you unlike your family. She loves you and she will always be there for you. You can do it. Don’t give up. You’re not worthless or useless or stupid or nothing. You’re you and no one can tell you otherwise.

If no one loves you, I love you. I’m proud of who I am now. I may not be strong and I may waver sometimes but…

Believe and never stop dreaming.

You know what? If we ever crossed path, being the person that I am right now, I’d go up to you and

stab you.

You ignorant prick. You and your ‘omgosh I’m so innocent, happy teehee’. You’ve hurt so many people. More than you think you haven’t. And it pisses me off that I was once like you, that I was you.

He liked you, you led him on. You even willingly kissed him even though you knew from the bottom of your heart you’d never want to kiss him.

What did you do?

I hate you for making me have this taunts of never ending apologies for him, and myself because now, I never did get to talk to him anymore.

I hate how you think you were the happiest little fuck, even when you knew it was all a pretend. just because it was fucking dramatic.

I hated how you think everything’s wrong with you, when really, nothing was; compared to how it is now.

You disliked the family, you made mum and dad worry over you.  And you made us get sent back to our hometown because of that fucking mistake you did.

I can never forgive you for that.

But what I know was that you were confused, just as I still am right now. That you were still growing and you hadn’t had a single clue that it was going to be this huge of a clusterfuck as it is right now.

All I can say now is that, I will never ever be the person you used to be.

I don’t want to pretend being happy and go-lucky. I may so, but not in a dramatic way. and when I’m sad, I’m sad. not crying over it with all the drama.

Though I should say, because of you, I finally realised how fucking stupid I was. How I was ignorant about my parent’s situation. Or for a matter of fact, how everything was.

I’ve learnt more than you could ever know past me, and it was all thanks to your retardedness.

I’m not going to thank you. Because you utterly suck. but I just want to put it out that if it wasn’t for you fucking stupidity, I would’ve never realised how disgraceful we were. I was.

And because I’ve realised it, I managed to somehow alter our mistakes. Mine.

So yeah, just hang in the fuck there. Because I’m probably going to be the one picking up your shitty slack.

I hate you.

You wanted to be accepted, so you did whatever normal people did at that time. You didn’t act like your true self. You didn’t feel comfortable. You thought life is boring and this world was a bad place.

But let me tell you, you don’t have to be. You don’t have to fake someone you’re not. You don’t have to try to fit in that small little group. You have to be yourself, like me at the moment. Yes, I don’t have a lot of friends but at least I’m happy for not having to be fake anymore, because I still have my family. Yes, I’m not completely happy because there are a lot of people who live far away from me who I want to meet and there are things that I want to accomplish.

There are a bunch of possibilities in this world and I promise you that I will make you proud, I will become successful. Please believe in me.

Love, 

You, in 2012.

He will walk into your life and all of a sudden you’re caught in a summer thunderstorm: quick and passionate and cleansing.

Two weeks later he breaks your heart so badly it takes you the next three years to even be okay (let alone work toward healing). You will wish a million times that you had never met him.

But once you start to heal, you realize that he’s the best thing that ever happened to you. And you saved his life every day just as much as he saves yours. He will be your best friend, the only one who knows you for every fault you have and loves you. He sticks with you through the shit and joys. You’ll still ask yourself on occasion why he doesn’t love you. But it doesn’t matter because you’re each other’s reason for smiling with the world. And after you realize that, you’ll never want him to go away again. He makes you a better person.

You’re my first person, in a few years you’ll begin a practice of putting yourself last. Occasionally you’ve become ‘we’, just briefly, but truly you are and always will be me, that’s something you’re going to have to get used to.

I am writing to you from somewhere in the future, from foundations you haven’t even thought of putting in place. From the outset I’m going to admit it’s hard not to punish you for things you don’t know, for things I wish you’d done, changed or even walked away from. I want you to know this is a natural reflex, like the way in twelve years time you manage to make it home across the city after four bottles of red but flounder at the last meter between you and bed. It’s the natural abstinence from food you’ll take on those nights the transatlantic call doesn’t make it through. It’s the natural, inevitable stillness you’ll feel when the hold expires on the love at arm’s length all along.

I’m sure in your reply you’ll want to punish me, for my clumsy memory, for the way I romanticize. The year you were heartbreak thin is just big dark eyes and jaw lines now. I even cherish the days after mum died because the memories of her then were more vivid that when she was alive.  

I want you to know a lot of things, I’d like you to not walk through certain doors, meet certain people, I’d like you to unlearn the practise of hating yourself but you have to do that alone. I’ll be here all along but until then I’ll keep it simple: being alone becomes easier, everything really is self esteem, you’ll run away from the ones you feared running from you the most, you’ll leave and be left too many times but each time it is imperative to the making of you.  

There’s one last thing, if you only listen to one I’ve said it has to be this. Any day now you’ll tell yourself you can’t eat biscuits anymore. Right now that might sound strange and trivial to you, but it’s the beginning of something that will steal so much from us, please stop it before it starts.

21 year old me

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